i'd like you to meet bruce

I am going to run a small series of informational blogs for a few reasons. Aside from being pretty comical, these are the humans you want to see on TV grasping for life at the top of a tree because a tsunami hit on their family vacation. You feel bad for everyone else, but you practically jump out of your seat when they actually are swept away by a rogue desk... Almost like there is sunshine filling the room and warming your face...

Anyhow, the first featured comical human will be Bruce. I'd like you to meet Bruce...


Bruce Sager
Now, for amusement's sake, I am going to copy some of the emails we exchanged just to show you how utterly ridiculous this human is. To give you a little bit of background, Bruce is a slimy (slimy like a car salesman) recruiter. I received a phone call from him while I was job hunting and we set up a tentative interview because I could not commit to a solid time. (I was about to get another job offer, and I was up front with Mr. Bruce regarding this) Since I got another job, I didn't need to go to HIS interview. NOT the first time a recruiter has been stood up (I can assure you, I used to be a recruiter) He didn't like to hear that.... everything else follows.

Stacy,

You will be pleased to know that we have now filled this position with a personable and intelligent recruit.
She starts on December 3, 2007 at $60,000 base plus a bonus plan that should net her close to six figures after her first full year with the company.
She has absolutely no experience in the field of recruiting, but, like you, we feel that we can shape her into a superstar.
Unlike you, she had the courtesy to reply to correspondence and to show up for her interview.
Hope your job search is working out for you.

Bruce

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Bruce:

Unfortunately, I have accepted a wonderful position with another firm that doesn't go out of it's way to look like a jackass.

1. You are paying an unexperienced person $60k plus bonuses? Perhaps you should consider taking a Business 101 course.

2. I have already found a job paying me more for being experienced

3. Why would I want to work for a jerk that goes out of his way to write rude emails when he should be at home spending Thanksgiving with his family? Sounds like the same kind of boss who would ask me to come in and work on Christmas

I wish you the best of luck in what looks to be a terrible situation for you (Obviously, as you have gone out of your way to make me think so, much like an ex-boyfriend who shows you pictures of his new girlfriend to satisfy his own insecurities)

Happy Thanksgiving,
Stacy Brewer

That was only a taste of his fantastical poetic abilities! Do you get the feeling that he is sitting there with a thesaurus looking up words to make himself feel smarter? The best part has yet to come, here is his next response....
* note: he chose to respond to my email by inserting his humble comments in caps.

Dear Bruce:
Unfortunately (FOR YOUR NEW EMPLOYER), I have accepted awonderful position with another firm that doesn't go out of it's (SPELLING) way to look like a jackass (AS I DID WHEN I SHOWED UP FOR OUR TWO SCHEDULED MEETINGS ONLY TO FIND THAT YOU HAD STOOD ME UP EACH TIME).

1. You are paying an unexperienced person $60k plus bonuses? (WE CHOSE CAREFULLY. HAVING CHOSEN, WE PAY: PEOPLE NEED A LIVING WAGE.) Perhaps you should consider taking a Business 101 course. (OH YES, YOU HAVE ME THERE, KIDDO! I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLY UNSUCCESSFUL IN BUSINESS OVER THE YEARS.)

2. I have already found a job paying me more for being experienced (I AM SURE YOU GOT THAT EXPERIENCE BY HOPPING THROUGH SO MANY JOBS OVER THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS.) (**note: I graduated less than two years ago and I've worked for the same company for a year and a half, before that I was at a staffing agency for 6 months... that is two jobs)

3. Why would I want to work for a jerk (ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE RIGHT; I GUESS IT IS PRETTY JERKY TO EXPECT PEOPLE TO FOLLOW UP, TO SHOW UP, TO ANSWER E-MAILS, TO FULFILL COMMITMENTS, TO ACT WITH COURTESY) who goes out of his way to write rude emails (I DEFY YOU TO DEMONSTRATE AN INSTANCE OF RUDENESS ON MY BEHALF; IF YOU WERE MORE DISCERNING, YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY CANDID REMONSTRANCE SUGARED WITH LIGHT IRONY WHEN IT LANDS ON YOUR DOORSTEP) when he should be at home spending Thanksgiving with his family? (DOES THE DATE ON MY E-MAIL BEING 3 DAYS PAST THANKSGIVING IN ANY WAY INTERFERE WITH A CELEBRATION OF THAT HOLIDAY WITH MY FAMILY? ARE YOU SO ACCURATE IN ALL OF YOUR OBSERVATIONS AND SO UNREMITTINGLY CUTTING WITH THAT RAPIER WIT OF YOURS?(**the email was dated at midnight the Sunday after thanksgiving)) Sounds like the same kind of boss who would ask me to come in and work on Christmas (ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE ME. WE ALWAYS MAKE OUR EMPLOYEES AND FELLOW TEAM MEMBERS COME IN ON CHRISTMAS. AND NEW YEAR’S EVE, TOO! WE ARE ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE EMPLOYERS.)

I wish you the best of luck in what looks to be a terrible situation for you (IT COULD BE WORSE; YOU MIGHT HAVE JOINED US) (Obviously, as you have gone out of your way to make me think so, much like an ex-boyfriend who shows you pictures of his new girlfriend to satisfy his own insecurities)

Happy Thanksgiving, (WELL, YOU SURE TOLD ME! AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, TOO, STACY. I GUESS THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOUR NAME WILL BE CHRISTMAS . . . WHEN YOU POST YOUR RESUME ON MONSTER YET AGAIN.)

‘TIL THEN, BEST OF LUCK IN THE WONDERFUL NEW JOB.

If you're over the age of 12, you're probably scratching your head and wondering the same thing I was. How can I possibly respond to this while not laughing the whole time? Or making myself lower? The man obviously has a serious problem, right? Why not have some fun! :)

Bruce:

I'm sorry for you. Your job must be incredibly demanding as you have time to criticize a person you didn't even interview much like a college-aged blogger who sits at home on his computer pointing out errors in a Star Trek episode. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Real work which does not involve me wasting my time reading your nonsensical (although laughable) childish emails. Good luck with all of that.

One last thing you should know for the future.

i·ron·ic (ī-rŏn'ĭk) Pronunciation Key
adj.
Characterized by or constituting irony.
Given to the use of irony. See Synonyms at sarcastic.
Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended: madness, an ironic fate for such a clear thinker.

(Consult Alanis Morissette for other misuses of the word Ironic)

-Stacy Brewer

However, he is not done. We ended our exchanges with him getting the last word. For the first and probably only time in my life, I can honestly say that I am OK with not getting the last word. Let us all wish Bruce good luck!

Stacy,

Just a peronal note:
You can call me names, you can make wildly inaccurate speculations, you can stand me up twice for in-person interviews (thereby wasting my trips into Virginia and drawing my understandable ire, which is at the basis of these communications; in 35 years of business, nobody has ever done that to me).
This is all fine with me.
What I must insist you NOT do is compare me to your ex-boyfriend, whose limited taste and intelligence is manifest in the choice he made, and whose only redeeming feature seems to be in having the sense to extricate himself from you.

Kindest regards,
Bruce Sager

I pray that you never receive a phone call from this man or it will undoubtedly follow with a series of emails, or messages similar to the ones you just read. Although, it was highly entertaining, this man is walking the same streets, driving the same roads, and lurking the same mall corridors we share my friend…

Finding Your Inner Racist

My dad grew up in poverty, and I mean the poor of the poor at the end of the Great Depression. When my brother married a black woman, most of my family was up in arms about it. I remember my dad being a little frustrated with the situation and he made a comment to me "When I was growing up, I had friends of all shapes sizes and colors and I never thought a thing about it. The funny thing is, I didn't even know what racism was until I moved to Chicago…"

Well, I've never considered myself to have any racist sentiment until last week. I mean, of course I enjoy racist jokes and I sure as hell know the stereotypes but I realized yesterday that most of the time, the stereotypes are there for a reason. So I just wanted to share some thoughts, questions and experiences that have lead me down the path of real Americanism.

• I was called a "spick" AND a "cracker" in the same week by two different people. Therefore, I feel I can be racists to anyone and I really don't fit in any category, which is awesome.

• I unknowingly moved into the ghetto where I am now the minority. I am always the last person served at a restaurant and I'm beginning to wonder if I hadn't moved here would I ever have seen the more racist side of people? Kinda like my dad experienced when he moved to Chicago?

• I saw two black people having sex at a bus stop on my way home from the gym… that's right, doing the dirty at the bus stop right next to the road. Gross.

• Have you noticed that the minorities form into primitive groups (gangs) and exert their force unto the masses using primitive methods? Have you also noticed that most white murderers are serial killers? Have you noticed serial killers are always said to be psychotic but they're often referred to geniuses? How many crips and bloods can pass a high-school equivalency test?

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs

• O.J. Simpson

• I am not mexican, stop calling me mexican. the mexicans don't want me either. They keep calling me "cracker".
  

• I've been robbed three times. Twice on the street and once in my home. 3 out of 3 were black males in their 20's. The fascinating thing about the retard that stole from my house is that he immediately went over to my girlfriend's place and tried to sell her MY stuff. Had he used his pea brain to be a little bit more observant, he would have noticed the pictures all around my place with that very same person he tried to sell my stuff to! Idiot. Side note: he was later charged for armed robbery for not only my incident but about 10 others in the area.

• Recently, there was a police car chase in my parking garage where the stupid criminal went all the way to the top and got himself caught because he wasn't smart enough to realize his car wouldn't fly. He was not white.

• Why don't white people get offended when you call them a cracker? Or a redneck?

• Why do black people get offended when white people use the same racial slurs as their "brothers" do?

• Why do South Americans put flags all over their cars?

• I once saw a gaggle of Mexican napping under a tree while they were on the job. It was picture perfect. But to give some credit, we hire illegal workers to help us with hard labor at the house sometimes and they've all worked very hard for the money.

• Why do some African Americans insist on receiving reparations? Get over it. I mean come ON the Jewish people aren't banging on Germany's door for free things.

• I was walking to lunch with some co-workers yesterday and there was a WHOLE dollar lying on the ground. So I said "oh look someone lost a dollar!" and before I could finish my statement, the Jewish guy already put it in his wallet.

• Affirmative action does NOT apply to the rules of the road or anywhere else but where it's supposed to be applied to. GOT IT?!
• 
  
• Bikers... (yes, i'm going to make a race for you) You are NOT in the Tour de France... stop acting like you're Lance Armstrong or I'm going to run yoru ass over with no remorse.
  

Now, it all looks pretty bad on paper, I know. However, I cannot deny, and I really believe that diversity is extremely important. For example, mixed race children are always the most beautiful (I speak from experience obviously). But as in all families, there are always bad apples that ruin it for everyone else. Me? Well, I'm just a mixed mango.