Encounters with Baltimore

In a recent letter to a friend I recounted the events that conspired at the Baltimore Orioles season opening game in Baltimore, Maryland....

Dana:

I don't know if you can handle this story. I had to wait until AFTER you were safely out of Baltimore to tell you this so you wouldn't be afraid for your life.

It all started with a rushed traffic congested trip from Smith Mountain Lake to Baltimore on a Monday afternoon. We were going to the Orioles game, which we won. We beat the Yankees and we were even blessed with being spotlighted on the “kiss cam” for a second. :)

Well, the day wasn’t all that great, I was pretty much bulldozed by a cart bringing a plethora of fancy cakes to the Vice President who was snuggly located in a fancy suite well out of the reach of the rain… which DRENCHED us throughout the day. We were forced to drink inside most of the time, where we had to practically threaten the bartender to get a damn drink.

After the soaking wet game, we decided to get dinner near the stadium. Well, that was a rip-off and took way too long. At around 9:30 we wrapped up and parted ways with Lindsay and Blake and headed off to our car. This is the interesting part. On our way we encountered:

1. a vomiting homeless man in a bus stop clasping onto a brown paper bag for life
2. a pregnant woman buying booze and stumbling into the street from the liquor store
3. homeless crack heads who looked more like zombies practically chasing us down for money
4. lost white people
5. scared white people
6. more homeless crack heads who were too lazy to cross the street to harass us for money
   

After battering down crack heads to get to our garage, we notice that there is a tightly chained-linked fence blocking our way OUT of this nightmare. We don’t think anything of it, we pay our parking fee, get in our car and drive down to the gate. We put in our payment confirmation coin. First gate goes up… second chain-linked fence doesn’t budge. At this time I notice a few things:

1. there are more people stuck in this garage
2. the homeless people are waiting for us outside the garage doors
3. I’m in Baltimore, the highest crime-rated city in the US

I’m in a calm panic in the driver’s seat, and Jon is fiddling around the gate and big fence looking for a button or something. I kindly ask him to step aside while I come up with a solution… My solution you ask? I ram the chain-link fence and break it. It doesn’t break completely, so Jon has to lift part of the gate over my car which leaves a beautiful scratch along the passenger side.

This all sounds insane, I realize. But there is a valuable lesson in survival here and you still have a friend that’s a live… and not crack-head-zombie food lying on the sidewalks of Baltimore.

I hate Baltimore.

GET FIT!

My friend Sabrina and I decided to try something a little different. We created a collaborative blog to motivate each other to get back into shape, eat healthy and just improve certain lifestyle habits. Feel free to check it out and give us some suggestions for workouts or fun activities you enjoy doing!

Hope you're having a good one!

where for art thou sweet Piper?

The Piper's blackened chicken Cesar Wrap…

I asked God to pick one adjective to describe it. Do you know what he said? "Perfect," as he shed a little tear…as if it were created by the gods… I, of course was high when I asked him, but don't let that take away from imagining how perfect it is.

Radfordians… you know what I speak of if you attended before the Fall of 2003. It was a devastating day when the higher-up pricks of Radford decided to rip out glorious Pipers and replace it with a gaggle of hardly mediocre set of restaurants… I mean come on! Sbarro's???? Au bon Pain's food tastes like moldy cardboard! Their Cesar wraps not only turn your nose up, but make you feel vomitious when you think of what you once had.

My entire freshman year diet revolved around the blackened Caesar wraps at Pipers. Served ONLY at lunch time, these wraps served as my only nutritional source for two semesters. TWO GLORIOUS SEMESTERS. One for lunch, and one for dinner, and the rest of my diet was beer, liquor and maybe some late night ramen noodles on occasion.

Many years have passed and few things have stuck with me. Friends have come and gone. I've graduated from college… but these wraps… oh, these wraps… I've searched overseas, across the country to find a Cesar wrap that could tickle my taste-buds the way I so yearn for them to. NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING.

Where for art though glorious Piper?

Make me a blackened Cesar wrap with a few tomatoes, a splash of red onion, and throw a pinch more of your Caesar dressing on there for old time sake.

Holly, Sabrina... Other friends of Pipers, I have decided that I will not rest until I find the secret to Piper's glorious blackened chicken Cesar wrap. And when I do, I will throw a Cesar wrap party for my fellow Radfordians. Where we will sit and smile (perhaps shed a tear) over our simple, innocent and much more energetic youthful college years.

God Speed.

-Brewsky

Pet Peevish

We all have them, it's what they call the "little things in life" that make us want to scratch the eyes out of a crying infant. THAT being one of my pet peeves, parents who let their child sit there and cry and scream at a restaurant. I'll get to that later. For mostly venting reasons, and for your security, I've decided that it's time for me to compile a list of a few things that I hate, and you may probably hate them too. Feel free to throw in your ideas, and maybe one day we can make laws to exterminate the people who commit them. (in no particular order of importance, except for the first one... that's the most important)

1. Bad drivers. I've addressed this before, and I've even written a blog about it, so refer to that for the long list of fucking retarded people that should be shot in between the eyes.
   
   
   
2. Men who spend $400 a month on their drugs, but promise their girlfriend that they're putting away $50 for their engagement ring.
   
   
3. Gangs. Again, also addressed before, but I'd like to reiterate how incredibly fucking stupid gang members are... seriously, could you be more primordial? (you'll have to look that one up little gang-member)
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Low income housing. I understand it can help people get off the streets, but what are they doing in this shitty homes that is any different than what they do on the streets? Either way, they lower the property value and make the streets unsafe.
   
   
   
5. Loud neighbors. Sure, we've all thrown a party or ten, but who vacuums their apartment at 3 AM? Oh, wait, who else is going to clean up the blood and brains that early in the morning? And, note to yourself, nobody wants to hear your music blaring at 3 AM when you get back from partying. You're lame.
   
   
6. Pope worshipers. Yeah... he is NOT Jesus's personal messenger, he is NOT the Lord's favorite deity, he is NOT the right hand man to God, he's just special cause he slapped around a few alter boys, and read the bible a few times. He is a representative of the CATHOLIC CHURCH, not God. Moron, he's the head of a CHURCH.
   
   
7. Media exploits. Are you going to vomit the next time you see another Virginia Tech tv commericial-esk memorial? Just an example of how the media exploits human stupidity. (if you really want to pay your respects, you should have sent the families some flowers a year ago, and given your wishes, the families are moving ON)
   
   
8. Cheap people, scalpers, and money grubbers... You can see what I'm eluding to here. They're all over the place, movies, stores, government... They're extremely annoying and feel free to stick some gum in that ridiculous scalper's hair, cause you know the face value of those tickets and it's not what he's asking for!
   
   
   
9. Sexual deviants. Pedophiles, rapists, all the alike should be pointed at, and publicly defiled everyday for the rest of their lives. These predators have no place in humanity, society or in the jail system. Yes, that's more of a hatred, but I'm peeved that our lawmakers don't CRUSH these people when they find them, they're out on the streets, living in our neighborhoods and we don't know who they are and they're preying on children.
   
   
   
10. Snails. Human snails, that walk incredibly slow, and you may not be in a rush, but you're trying to walk fast enough to not go back in time. They stop at the door to find their keys, or talk to someone on the phone, and they're standing in the doorway. Oblivious to the line of 10 people they're holding up.
    
    
    
    
11. Immigrants who don't learn the language. I don't give a shit where you're immigrating to, learn the fucking language!!!!! I don't like ordering my fast food in Spanish, there's a reason I'm eating a burger and not a Taco.
    
    
    
12. Natives who can't speak the language. For Christ's sake... how hard is it to speak proper English?? It's not "Merlin" it's MARYLAND. Detroit and PG County should be thrown into a grammar class. You're a disappointment and embarrassment to all Americans. ALSO, don't pick up the phone unless you're ready to talk. Nobody wants to hear you scream to the person using the fax machine.
    
    
    
    
    
13. Children with no manners. This is the parent's fault, but they both should be smacked upside the head, for being annoying and the other for being a bad parent. Spank your child, it's not going to do anything else but teach them a lesson... really, they're not going to grow up to be gay if you spank them.
    
    
14. Chain letter mailers. Do you ever get those bubbly little emails that at the end say you're going to die or never find love if you don't forward that email to a thousand people in 17 minutes? I know you do, you understand.
    
    
15. The half triangle that the windsheild wiper leaves behind... we've gone to the moon yet this little sucker can't be terminated.
    
    
16. Cover charges.
    
    
17. People who think that area codes aren't part of a phone number that is necessary. Tough shit you're not getting a call back.
    
    
    
    
18. Detroit.
    
    (to the left is the picture of their former mayor, Kwame Filpatrick, look him up)
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
19. The flower lady. That annoying little hag that comes around pushing her thorny roses in your face while you're out with friends, boyfriend, etc at a bar or nightclub... bitch, he's buying me drinks, those flowers aren't gonna get him shit!
    
    
    
    
20. Political and Religious deveotees that try to push their views and ideas onto you while you're just trying to enjoy your beer at happy hour... Really? Can you discuss this with your own dammed family???

hey mr. sleazy!

So what did you think of Bruce? I think I may have met his son shopping for concert tickets on Craigslist... check out the email conversation that followed a simple inquiry to see if concert tickets were still available...


Stacy Brewer Thu, Apr 10, 2008 at 9:47 AM
To: sale-632483033@craigslist.org
Are these still available??

________________________________________
LKW Winter Thu, Apr 10, 2008 at 9:35 PM
To: Stacy Brewer
yes-how many do you need? amazing seats thursday row B orchestra center and friday orch f center let me know asap

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html



________________________________________
Stacy Brewer Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 8:40 AM
To: LKW Winter
I just need two, preferably for Friday.
[Quoted text hidden]

________________________________________
LKW Winter Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 9:33 AM
To: Stacy Brewer
Orchestra row F make an offer center section too!
[Quoted text hidden]

________________________________________
Stacy Brewer Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 9:36 AM
To: LKW Winter
I will pay face value for the tickets


________________________________________
LKW Winter Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 1:19 PM
To: Stacy Brewer
not from me you won't!


________________________________________
Stacy Brewer Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 1:38 PM
To: LKW Winter
Well I would be willing to negotiate but I'd rather not deal with a used car salemen-esk jackass like yourself. Put your price out there, nobody has time to deal with this kind of crap.

Thanks anyway.



________________________________________
LKW Winter Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 1:39 PM
To: Stacy Brewer
listen you cheap bitch you aren't worth my time!! ok 149 each take or leave it! tightwad!


________________________________________
Stacy Brewer Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 1:52 PM
To: LKW Winter

"Thanks Anyways" mean NO THANK YOU.

enjoy your lonely Friday night Mr. Sleaze.

NOTE to your stupid-self: being cheap wouldn't be paying the actual price of something, it's very "jew", is ripping people off for something more than it's worth. Don't worry; this history lesson is FREE of charge.


________________________________________
LKW Winter Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 1:57 PM
To: Stacy Brewer
get a life flagging me you idiot! stupid ignorant anti-semite (wait a second, I just defined a stereotype, since when does giving a definition make me a racist??) -i will report you for this and you will pay the price you aren't an idiot you are IGNORNANT AND REDNECK (uhhhh… this is so inaccurate on so many levels!!!) TRASH!


________________________________________
Stacy Brewer Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 2:35 PM
To: LKW Winter
HM. sounds like you're actually threatening me now! I made it pretty clear that I have no intention of buying any tickets from you, so I'm assuming that by making me "pay", you mean physically "pay".
Truth hurts doesn't it, clearly stereotypes don't come out of thin air obviously... but perhaps you need another history lesson on what a "redneck" is and how to identify one? at least by stereotypical standards. But thanks for the offer to settle this in person, despite the high entertainment value of you're déclassé (that means of a lower class) manner, I (and my "redneck" friends) don't have the time or interest in settling YOUR payback issues when we have much more intelligible things to attend to.

AGAIN, have wonderful lonely Friday night.
________________________________________
LKW Winter
to Stacy Brewer ,
date Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 3:08 PM

listen you ignorant redneck antisemetic bitch email me again and I will report you for harrassment already asked you to stop have reported you for your senseless stupid sentiments-antidefimation league takes this seriously! as well as your internet provider and CL watch OUT! surely you mean your not you're! check your english its very bad!
________________________________________
from Stacy Brewer
to LKW Winter ,
date Fri, Apr 11, 2008 at 3:22 PM

You're laughable! But good luck with your quest and better luck using your words (and definitions) next time!

AGAIN, have a lovely lonely Friday night!

Love always,
S.B.




Yes, it's very laughable!!! either he's too angry to properly express what his little brain is thinking, OR he's JUST that retarded. i think it's a lot of both. Hope he made your day like he made mine!!!!

happy friday

i'd like you to meet bruce

I am going to run a small series of informational blogs for a few reasons. Aside from being pretty comical, these are the humans you want to see on TV grasping for life at the top of a tree because a tsunami hit on their family vacation. You feel bad for everyone else, but you practically jump out of your seat when they actually are swept away by a rogue desk... Almost like there is sunshine filling the room and warming your face...

Anyhow, the first featured comical human will be Bruce. I'd like you to meet Bruce...


Bruce Sager
Now, for amusement's sake, I am going to copy some of the emails we exchanged just to show you how utterly ridiculous this human is. To give you a little bit of background, Bruce is a slimy (slimy like a car salesman) recruiter. I received a phone call from him while I was job hunting and we set up a tentative interview because I could not commit to a solid time. (I was about to get another job offer, and I was up front with Mr. Bruce regarding this) Since I got another job, I didn't need to go to HIS interview. NOT the first time a recruiter has been stood up (I can assure you, I used to be a recruiter) He didn't like to hear that.... everything else follows.

Stacy,

You will be pleased to know that we have now filled this position with a personable and intelligent recruit.
She starts on December 3, 2007 at $60,000 base plus a bonus plan that should net her close to six figures after her first full year with the company.
She has absolutely no experience in the field of recruiting, but, like you, we feel that we can shape her into a superstar.
Unlike you, she had the courtesy to reply to correspondence and to show up for her interview.
Hope your job search is working out for you.

Bruce

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Bruce:

Unfortunately, I have accepted a wonderful position with another firm that doesn't go out of it's way to look like a jackass.

1. You are paying an unexperienced person $60k plus bonuses? Perhaps you should consider taking a Business 101 course.

2. I have already found a job paying me more for being experienced

3. Why would I want to work for a jerk that goes out of his way to write rude emails when he should be at home spending Thanksgiving with his family? Sounds like the same kind of boss who would ask me to come in and work on Christmas

I wish you the best of luck in what looks to be a terrible situation for you (Obviously, as you have gone out of your way to make me think so, much like an ex-boyfriend who shows you pictures of his new girlfriend to satisfy his own insecurities)

Happy Thanksgiving,
Stacy Brewer

That was only a taste of his fantastical poetic abilities! Do you get the feeling that he is sitting there with a thesaurus looking up words to make himself feel smarter? The best part has yet to come, here is his next response....
* note: he chose to respond to my email by inserting his humble comments in caps.

Dear Bruce:
Unfortunately (FOR YOUR NEW EMPLOYER), I have accepted awonderful position with another firm that doesn't go out of it's (SPELLING) way to look like a jackass (AS I DID WHEN I SHOWED UP FOR OUR TWO SCHEDULED MEETINGS ONLY TO FIND THAT YOU HAD STOOD ME UP EACH TIME).

1. You are paying an unexperienced person $60k plus bonuses? (WE CHOSE CAREFULLY. HAVING CHOSEN, WE PAY: PEOPLE NEED A LIVING WAGE.) Perhaps you should consider taking a Business 101 course. (OH YES, YOU HAVE ME THERE, KIDDO! I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLY UNSUCCESSFUL IN BUSINESS OVER THE YEARS.)

2. I have already found a job paying me more for being experienced (I AM SURE YOU GOT THAT EXPERIENCE BY HOPPING THROUGH SO MANY JOBS OVER THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS.) (**note: I graduated less than two years ago and I've worked for the same company for a year and a half, before that I was at a staffing agency for 6 months... that is two jobs)

3. Why would I want to work for a jerk (ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE RIGHT; I GUESS IT IS PRETTY JERKY TO EXPECT PEOPLE TO FOLLOW UP, TO SHOW UP, TO ANSWER E-MAILS, TO FULFILL COMMITMENTS, TO ACT WITH COURTESY) who goes out of his way to write rude emails (I DEFY YOU TO DEMONSTRATE AN INSTANCE OF RUDENESS ON MY BEHALF; IF YOU WERE MORE DISCERNING, YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY CANDID REMONSTRANCE SUGARED WITH LIGHT IRONY WHEN IT LANDS ON YOUR DOORSTEP) when he should be at home spending Thanksgiving with his family? (DOES THE DATE ON MY E-MAIL BEING 3 DAYS PAST THANKSGIVING IN ANY WAY INTERFERE WITH A CELEBRATION OF THAT HOLIDAY WITH MY FAMILY? ARE YOU SO ACCURATE IN ALL OF YOUR OBSERVATIONS AND SO UNREMITTINGLY CUTTING WITH THAT RAPIER WIT OF YOURS?(**the email was dated at midnight the Sunday after thanksgiving)) Sounds like the same kind of boss who would ask me to come in and work on Christmas (ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE ME. WE ALWAYS MAKE OUR EMPLOYEES AND FELLOW TEAM MEMBERS COME IN ON CHRISTMAS. AND NEW YEAR’S EVE, TOO! WE ARE ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE EMPLOYERS.)

I wish you the best of luck in what looks to be a terrible situation for you (IT COULD BE WORSE; YOU MIGHT HAVE JOINED US) (Obviously, as you have gone out of your way to make me think so, much like an ex-boyfriend who shows you pictures of his new girlfriend to satisfy his own insecurities)

Happy Thanksgiving, (WELL, YOU SURE TOLD ME! AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, TOO, STACY. I GUESS THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOUR NAME WILL BE CHRISTMAS . . . WHEN YOU POST YOUR RESUME ON MONSTER YET AGAIN.)

‘TIL THEN, BEST OF LUCK IN THE WONDERFUL NEW JOB.

If you're over the age of 12, you're probably scratching your head and wondering the same thing I was. How can I possibly respond to this while not laughing the whole time? Or making myself lower? The man obviously has a serious problem, right? Why not have some fun! :)

Bruce:

I'm sorry for you. Your job must be incredibly demanding as you have time to criticize a person you didn't even interview much like a college-aged blogger who sits at home on his computer pointing out errors in a Star Trek episode. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Real work which does not involve me wasting my time reading your nonsensical (although laughable) childish emails. Good luck with all of that.

One last thing you should know for the future.

i·ron·ic (ī-rŏn'ĭk) Pronunciation Key
adj.
Characterized by or constituting irony.
Given to the use of irony. See Synonyms at sarcastic.
Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended: madness, an ironic fate for such a clear thinker.

(Consult Alanis Morissette for other misuses of the word Ironic)

-Stacy Brewer

However, he is not done. We ended our exchanges with him getting the last word. For the first and probably only time in my life, I can honestly say that I am OK with not getting the last word. Let us all wish Bruce good luck!

Stacy,

Just a peronal note:
You can call me names, you can make wildly inaccurate speculations, you can stand me up twice for in-person interviews (thereby wasting my trips into Virginia and drawing my understandable ire, which is at the basis of these communications; in 35 years of business, nobody has ever done that to me).
This is all fine with me.
What I must insist you NOT do is compare me to your ex-boyfriend, whose limited taste and intelligence is manifest in the choice he made, and whose only redeeming feature seems to be in having the sense to extricate himself from you.

Kindest regards,
Bruce Sager

I pray that you never receive a phone call from this man or it will undoubtedly follow with a series of emails, or messages similar to the ones you just read. Although, it was highly entertaining, this man is walking the same streets, driving the same roads, and lurking the same mall corridors we share my friend…

Finding Your Inner Racist

My dad grew up in poverty, and I mean the poor of the poor at the end of the Great Depression. When my brother married a black woman, most of my family was up in arms about it. I remember my dad being a little frustrated with the situation and he made a comment to me "When I was growing up, I had friends of all shapes sizes and colors and I never thought a thing about it. The funny thing is, I didn't even know what racism was until I moved to Chicago…"

Well, I've never considered myself to have any racist sentiment until last week. I mean, of course I enjoy racist jokes and I sure as hell know the stereotypes but I realized yesterday that most of the time, the stereotypes are there for a reason. So I just wanted to share some thoughts, questions and experiences that have lead me down the path of real Americanism.

• I was called a "spick" AND a "cracker" in the same week by two different people. Therefore, I feel I can be racists to anyone and I really don't fit in any category, which is awesome.

• I unknowingly moved into the ghetto where I am now the minority. I am always the last person served at a restaurant and I'm beginning to wonder if I hadn't moved here would I ever have seen the more racist side of people? Kinda like my dad experienced when he moved to Chicago?

• I saw two black people having sex at a bus stop on my way home from the gym… that's right, doing the dirty at the bus stop right next to the road. Gross.

• Have you noticed that the minorities form into primitive groups (gangs) and exert their force unto the masses using primitive methods? Have you also noticed that most white murderers are serial killers? Have you noticed serial killers are always said to be psychotic but they're often referred to geniuses? How many crips and bloods can pass a high-school equivalency test?

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs

• O.J. Simpson

• I am not mexican, stop calling me mexican. the mexicans don't want me either. They keep calling me "cracker".
  

• I've been robbed three times. Twice on the street and once in my home. 3 out of 3 were black males in their 20's. The fascinating thing about the retard that stole from my house is that he immediately went over to my girlfriend's place and tried to sell her MY stuff. Had he used his pea brain to be a little bit more observant, he would have noticed the pictures all around my place with that very same person he tried to sell my stuff to! Idiot. Side note: he was later charged for armed robbery for not only my incident but about 10 others in the area.

• Recently, there was a police car chase in my parking garage where the stupid criminal went all the way to the top and got himself caught because he wasn't smart enough to realize his car wouldn't fly. He was not white.

• Why don't white people get offended when you call them a cracker? Or a redneck?

• Why do black people get offended when white people use the same racial slurs as their "brothers" do?

• Why do South Americans put flags all over their cars?

• I once saw a gaggle of Mexican napping under a tree while they were on the job. It was picture perfect. But to give some credit, we hire illegal workers to help us with hard labor at the house sometimes and they've all worked very hard for the money.

• Why do some African Americans insist on receiving reparations? Get over it. I mean come ON the Jewish people aren't banging on Germany's door for free things.

• I was walking to lunch with some co-workers yesterday and there was a WHOLE dollar lying on the ground. So I said "oh look someone lost a dollar!" and before I could finish my statement, the Jewish guy already put it in his wallet.

• Affirmative action does NOT apply to the rules of the road or anywhere else but where it's supposed to be applied to. GOT IT?!
• 
  
• Bikers... (yes, i'm going to make a race for you) You are NOT in the Tour de France... stop acting like you're Lance Armstrong or I'm going to run yoru ass over with no remorse.
  

Now, it all looks pretty bad on paper, I know. However, I cannot deny, and I really believe that diversity is extremely important. For example, mixed race children are always the most beautiful (I speak from experience obviously). But as in all families, there are always bad apples that ruin it for everyone else. Me? Well, I'm just a mixed mango.